Journey is the Destination.

These are one of the few nights where it happened again. But it’s my deepest prayer that one day, it would be gone. I believe it would; This mustard seed faith that’s within me.

Recently, I often question about God’s existence when I’m feeling all the blues. Perhaps they are not just blues. The are way beyond any description. That constant heartache that’s stealing every breath away, every sleepless nights, all the joy all in life. And I wonder, whatever happened?

What happened to the happy moments in life? The times where I’m simply enjoying life? Where have they gone? Can I even remember the last time I was truly happy? Or… Those aren’t real moments of the kinda life I should be living? 

So many questions huh. Curiosity kills the lil Kyla in me. 

I believe everyone has gone through ups and downs in life. Some were just merely a small tiff. Yet some were big milestones that totally changed their lives. Someone once told me this, ”We are spirit beings going through a human experience.” How true. Habits are what really define a person’s character. They are easily picked up but hard to get rid off. Such changes in life would definitely make life uncomfortable. No one likes changes. Especially those that would benefit them. Sounds contradicting; Yes, humans are contradict beings as well. But doing something we don’t like yet do it anyway cause it would benefit us -Discipline.

Maybe I just needa adjust my life. Quite a bit I would say. Honestly, it’s gonna be a lot of adjustment. That’s what troubling me most. I might not make the right choices but I gotta make them right at the end of the day. A lot of patience is required. I used to be a really patient person. But my limit is running out. The engine has somehow stopped. Be it affected by people around me, things happening to me or just… me. But on second thought, God’s patience for me is limitless. So who am I to not be patience with others? Who am I not to forgive? Who am I to speak of such understanding when God chose to understand from the beginning? 

Peace, courage and perseverance is what I ask for. It’s not an easy life. But neither has it gotta be difficult. It has got to be a constant reminder everyday to self. My life is not my own. I don’t own this life. God did. It’s my resposibility to preserve what God has given to me. The life I live on earth is gonna come to past. Whether I like it or not, it is gonna come to past. But one thing for sure, God never leaves nor forsake.

#You see, here’s the funny thing about humans. We complain too much. We give excuses by saying its impossible. But don’t you see that life is actually fair just by being unfair? Everyone’s given a chance. A chance to change. Perhaps we should stop blaming on not having chances when we are the ones who refuse to change. But then again, no one is perfect. With all the imperfections, we are all united by complimenting each other’s flaws. Life is just a matter of choices we make. So why worry so much. We’re not here to please nor prove. Humanity has gotta discern needs rather than wants; to love rather than control. Because no one really cares how much you know until they know how much you care. There’s so much that matters in those little things we once paid attention to. So… Whatever happened?! We all need to slow down, take a step back and stop looking around but observe and be contented with the things that you have. Stay humble, constant showing gratitude and never be judgmental. We humans took things for granted. By the time we realize it, it’s already too late. And I’m not an exception. I just gotta learn it the hard way. Age doesn’t matter as they are just numbers. That’s why I’m telling you now, don’t be absent minded nor complacent. Be at your best and let God do the rest

These are one of the few nights where it happened again.

Yes, I wanna choose to honor Him. Because I understand the sacrifices made. As much as it hurts, God is hurting too. There’s really nothing to lose. The pain now might just be a mosquito bite in years to come. It’s temporal but it’s real. Yet, temporal is not forever. Bear that in mind Kyla. I believe.

I surrender. Amen.

“There is a specific feeling which exists only when you run into someone about whom you had long forgotten. It’s probably most palpable when it’s an ex, but it can happen with friends who were once particularly close. It is comparable to a scab that seems to have been on your skin forever — a scrape which was once quite painful but has been so long in the healing process that you no longer notice its presence when you wash over it in the shower. You peel it off almost out of boredom and suddenly there is a drop or two of blood, something that vaguely resembles the wound it once was, now too distant to really cause any discomfort. These people are wounds which have healed over, which have never quite turned into scars but which have become just another part of your lived-in body.

Letting someone go — when it is a necessary act of self-preservation, something that has to come if you expect to move forward in life — is regarded as a kind of victory. You have successfully overcome an emotional trauma that once surrounded you like a kind of fog which prevented you from ever seeing the sun. People will tell you, always with the best intentions, that one day you are going to wake up and realize that you are okay, and your life is not immediately over because they are no longer a part of it. And this is true, though it’s not the net positive that we are so quick to label it as. Because it’s not as though you simply wake up one day and proclaim yourself fine, suddenly hearing birds chirp and children laugh after months of only your own oppressive silence. You simply start to forget, feeling the acute pain of the loss less and less as each day goes on. There will come a day when you don’t care, but you won’t notice it, because you will have other things to think about.

But in order to let that pain go, in order to remove this person from the place of power they have occupied for so long, you must let everything go. Perhaps in a very distant future, you will be able to pick and choose the memories you want to keep, but for a very long time, one memory will always bleed into another. You cannot simply think about the time the two of you sat on the beach for an entire night, talking about your childhood, drinking the second-least-expensive wine you could find in the store. Because when you allow yourself to think about that, it will remind you of them as a whole, and will lead into all of the terrible things that happened after that night — not the least of which being their eventual departure. They exist within us as whole people, stories with beginnings and endings, and in order to let go of them we cannot choose the things we want to isolate for nostalgia.

We have to stop caring what they would think if they saw us, stop worrying about running into them in the store, stop obsessing over the things we could have done differently to make them stay. And that means letting go of everything they meant to us, proving to ourselves that life can be just as good, just as beautiful, without them in it. When you realize, long after the fact, that you no longer care about someone — that what they are doing in life has no bearing on you, and vice versa — it feels very much like a small death. Who they were with you no longer exists, and you cannot even preserve it in your memory, for the sake of your own mental health.

I recently ran into someone I used to know very well. I hadn’t seen him in close to two years, and I barely recognized him when I crossed him on the sidewalk. I had forgotten that it was his neighborhood, had forgotten that we used to eat there, forgotten it all. And he looked different, different enough to be slightly unsettling. We exchanged words, but as people who had barely ever known each other. It was a spoken confirmation that things had indeed changed — that we had let one another go, out of necessity — and that the parts of ourselves we needed to erase to move on were just going to have to be forgotten. Of course, you never really forget anyone, but you certainly release them. You stop allowing their history to have any meaning for you today. You let them change their haircut, let them move, let them fall in love again. And when you see this person you have let go, you realize that there is no reason to be sad. The person you knew exists somewhere, but you are separated by too much time to reach them again.

We told each other we should get coffee sometime, but didn’t exchange our new numbers. We knew we weren’t going to see each other again.”

-Chelsea Fagan

#Definitely a lot to say upon reading all of these. It’s been long since I last tumblr-ed. But I supposed it’s a good thing. I was on a journey. Journey to the West; Literally -.-

How should I put it in words. It’s been such a roller coaster the past 1 year plus. Where have I been? I can only say, in circles. Totally missed out on what God has planned for me. 

It’s in every single one of us huh? The running, hiding, masking, everything and anything but facing reality. I was merely pushing myself to move forward with no concrete plan. Why? A question that I can’t really figure. Simply because I haven’t really found the right answer. I’m still searching. And in the midst of my search, I missed out God’s ultimate plan for me. Missed out His voice; His Love; Everything about Him.

Sad yet relieved. Good news that I’m back. Bad news is I could have spared myself from a lot more heartaches. But then again, everything happened for a reason isn’t it? I never knew how I went on with my life without Him. But I supposed He was always there even when I don’t see it. That’s how blinded I was. It’s sad for God to try so hard to get to me yet I’m just being plain ignorant. Self slapped. 

Reality hit me hard. In ma face. What can I say? Nothing but a thank you to this life I’m living. It made me stronger in a way or another. I was at pit bottom for a loooooooong time; many times. I refused to get up. I see no light. I see no hope. I see nothing at all. But I wasn’t suicidal. I was just blinded and lost. But He is faithful. Very indeed. In His own ways, though painful, He made me see the unseen; feel the unbearable and brought me out of it. The cycle repeats.

But why? Why the trouble? Why can’t I be spared? To my realization- Just so I could turn to Him.

Everyone needs God. But Christianity is not for everyone. Not because it is not. Some just don’t want it. They wanna have full control of their life. Afraid to lose everything they had, already have or going to have. End of the day, they still didn’t manage to keep everything. They lost; We all lost. 

Let go and Let God has always been at the tip of almost every Christian’s tongue. But how much letting go are we letting go? Fully? Partially? It was never enough. We all wanna have some part of our lives that we could take control of. Being responsible and controlling is two different extremes. I’m trusting God to teach me how to be responsible. And when I know I have done my best, I gotta know it’s time for Him to step in and do what I can’t. 

I have came a long way to give up on myself now. If I don’t help myself, who will? With that, I pray that God would start to deal with my emotions, my life, my everything. I hereby give permission on behalf of my heart to the One who matters.

But then again…. WHY SO SERIOUS?! HAHAHA. Well, it’s meant to be an enjoyable journey; Journey with Him. I believe. Journey is really THE Destination.

Cheers and lights out! TEEHEEEE! :D

iori82 asked: Hi Kyla I read some of your post, I find the quote you have are quite meaningful and inspirational. I guess you have deep affinity towards Christianity which is good in a way as you gain wisdom through all those quotes. Hopefully you can apply them to your daily life and stay happy.

Oh thanks! (: